March 11, 2017

My Dad went on hospice last week. It has been a very painful time for me personally. I want to cry every day and if I hold it in, I have trouble breathing, so much so that I look forward to sleeping so that my breath can become normal again. I am home now actually and have been coming home the last couple weekends. My Dad has been sleeping a lot and can barely sit to eat but he is still here...He went to the hospital a few weeks ago for a lot of pain and was admitted after a lengthy wait in the ER. There, we were told the tumor had no response to the chemo and it didn't matter anyways because the chemo was killing him too. He was eating about 1/2 cup of rice for about 2 weeks and was sick from it, (the chemo, not the rice, hey! my cooking is not that bad! :)) So we left the hospital with palliative care but my parents signed up for hospice last week. He has been eating more but is still very weak; he got the catheter installed to drain all of the fluid and that has been building up quite frequently. So that's where we stand I guess. It's terrible, it's depressing but the naïveté in me is still hoping for a miracle. I wonder why I am taking this harder than my two other sisters? It is because I do not have the absolute faith in God that I will see my dad again after death? Or is it because I am not so removed like my other sister? She is further away so it is easier to swallow for her.  Maybe it is because I see the fragility in life more. But I do know that when my Dad dies I will feel a hollowness and a sadness for a very long time. I do not know who will be able to comfort me during this time and I'm dreading all of this. 

Pen threw a punch at your cancer.
3 people sent you a prayer.
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aww, Karen I am sorry to hear this.. I really feel your pain. I lost my Dad to cancer to and I still miss him. Stay close to him now and hold him and love him and he knows you love him. This is the way God made us and we will be together again and really life is short.. it won't be long and we will all be together again. Ask God to help you and he will.. he already is. The one thing I was grateful for is that he was not in pain anymore.. God bless you and your Dad and family..hugs and love and always prayers Sabina
I'm sorry your Dad & family have to go through this. You do what you have to do to get out of bed and function, even if it means holding onto hope for a miracle; that admirable to me. The Hospice people are there for all of you; seek their guidance if and when the need arises. God bless all of you.
I don't know what to say, Karen - except that I am dreading the day too. My man's pancreatic cancer has been much more indolent than most, and very responsive to chemo. But as with your Dad, I fear the chemo itself is causing irreparable harm and he is literally a frail shadow of the person he used to be. I don't know why some of us have a harder time than others and I don't know if it has to do with belief systems, particular sensitivities, geographical proximity or emotional closeness. I'm not the least bit afraid of death, and view it as an inevitable part of the cycle of existence. But that doesn't mean I won't be torn apart, wretched and wrecked if my guy goes before I do. I've been struck over the past couple of years by your particular closeness to your Dad, and I can see how badly you are hurting. Feel and experience it all, hold your Dad, whisper sweet words of love and comfort, stroke his head. And if he can stand it, massage his feet (yes, this helps!). Think of it as a privilege to be able to be there with him at the end. I have lost a loved one in an automobile accident where there were no goodbyes, no preparations - only shocks and regrets. Make the most of this time to say goodbye.
(We must have a bit of a psychic connection, because I actually checked your blog yesterday at about 7:00 EST to see if perhaps you'd posted something that I missed. I've no idea what made me think about you at that moment in time.....).
💜💪🏽
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ALl you can do is tell your day every day how much you love him, and that will be your memory of him when the time comes. And keep him alive in your heart.
Carol likes this comment
first i just want to thank you for allowing me to laugh for a quick second and allowing yourself to laugh. When you dad dies he dies twice. He dies once when he is prounanced dead then he dies again many years later when everyone forgets his name. Please remeber the times you had with her dad and the women that you are today, i love you just like i would like my own sister we are a family at the end of the day and you can feel free to write what ever you want when ever you want, i will drop everything im doing just to listen to you!
Carol likes this comment
I am so sorry Karen. You dad looks to be a about the age and build of my husband who was diagnosed with pc last Oct. Be there for him and continue to make sweet memories, as that's the way he will continue to be in your life as the years go by. He looks like he is a very kind, sweet and wise man. He is lucky to have such a wonderful family to help him through this. We all wish we could change the course of events with this disease, it is very unkind. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Deborah
I am so, so sorry for you. My prayers are for God's comforting arms to reach out to you through others during this time and into your future. Although, it has been a year come April 1 that my mother passed away it still hurts as if it was yesterday. I think for some people they feel more deeply than others. My mother would say that as a young child I would cry watching Lassie Come Home, although I knew each time Lassie would come home safely. Build yourself up with a support network of family and friends to help comfort you. Do not focus on the loss of the future, but focus now on the care you can give your father and also for yourself.
Loosing someone you love is never easy. Be there for him, give your Dad you love and accept his love for you. He will always live in your heart and memories. You are strong and let people help you.
it is never easy, keep your prayers up and we will all keep you in our prayers and thoughts. So sorry for the news, My father fought cancer for 11 years and had more chemo and radiation, than I thought, one person could endure, No matter how long things go on the bitter end is always difficult. Wish you both the best.
Karen so sorry to hear your dad has went into hospice! My prayers are with you.. Even if your faith is not into believing that there's life after death.. God is still with you and will see you through.. You're still his child and he loves you whether you believe in him or not... Prayers you will accept his unconditional Love and will see your dad in Heaven when the time comes... It's the only thing that gets me through the death of my son!! The hope and faith of seeing him again!!! I was a lot mad at him for taking my son, but I know he knows what's best.. XOXO, Prayers for you and your family, Lenae
I believe you seeing and being with your dad, watching him go through everything is hard.. That is one reason your having a hard time... When people don't see it they have no idea how hard it is.. Until you walk through seeing first hand what Cancer or any debilitating illness can do you can't truly understand the pain or feelings that are felt.. It's almost been a year since my son left this earth and my heart grieves the destruction Cancer put on his body.. It's hard to watch someone you love suffer.. Stay strong and many prayers being sent your way! Lenae
Carol likes this comment
Karen, This is, I think, my first time reading your blog. I am sorry it is such a sad occasion...
Your feelings, currently--and for a time to come, are, I believe, a combination of everything you mentioned....
I am not trying to "be religious", but, you CAN find comfort ffrom God; if you open yourself up to Him. A lot of times we don't understand why things are allowed to happen. It took YEARS for me to stop asking, "Why." We have to know we aren't in charge....I have much more peace now---except when the news is on. Ha!
We will help you through this journey. You are not alone. Hug, hug, hug!!
Carol
Karen, I was in your shoes less than 4 years ago. I wish we could commiserate more.... For now, I offer your my virtual hugs. Pls feel free to message me privately if you want to talk. I woukd love to lend an ear to you anytime.
I hope you are doing alright. We are all thinking about you.
Karen, I hope you will let us know all this turned out. We have all followed your story and know that sad endings are all too common. Laren
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Karen's Dad

May 1, 2017

Vital Info

Posts

May 5, 2015

Cambridge Springs, Pennsylvania 16403

May 1, 2017

Cancer Info

Pancreas Cancer

Adenocarcinoma

April 17, 2015

Stage 3

2.1 - 3.0 cm

Yes

I hate the pancreas! Who thinks about the pancreas??

Cherish every moment of your life and being around your loved ones. Have patience in all you do especially with your family (sometimes we are the least patient with them because we know eventually they will forgive us!)

Eat your own cruciferous veggies! They can help prevent pancreatic cancer.

Not to organs, arteries are involved: hepatic and celiac axis

Field and Stream gift certificates for my Dad!

Primary: Erie Regional Cancer Center Surgery consultation: Hillman Cancer Center Surgery: John Hopkins Baltimore

Walk your puppies. Dogs give me a happiness that humans cannot. If you have dogs you understand. If you don't, you have been missing out.

Take a deep breath and if you can't take a deep breath, find something to laugh about!

Prior to stent: extreme nausea, fatigue, weight loss (15 lbs), back pain, jaundice, loss of appetite (unable to finish meals), abdominal pain, needing to take several anti-acids daily Present: back pain, feeling easily full, abdominal pain, increased appetite for potato pancakes!!!!!!

Extreme fatigue, some dry heaving, hair loss, neutropenia

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